3 more computers making the total like 12 or something stupid like that. I’m on too many drugs right now to care. I feel good.
I feel calm and relaxed and I’m yawning, holy shit. I have no inhibitions right now, I feel like dancing the night away.
Modern medicine is amazing. Modern technology, too, except…well I don’t have that much.
Forgot no one likes NEFs. Like upload servers and photo upload services. NEF? More like WTF amirite trololol go use JPEG cos yer new RAW stuff is too complicated for our 1999 standard kthxbye
Fixed a friend’s password earlier this afternoon. Fixed a friend’s password earlier tonight. The first one went to his dorm, the second went to bed because I told her to because she wanted to sleep a lot and I’m jealous.
Can I live vicariously through you? Please? Come cuddle with me and keep me warm (jk other way round, I like cold!) and transfer your positive aura of sleep to me with your glowing proximity…every time I’m around you I swear I feel it. No it’s not a forcefield thank goodness.
I feel like I push you away but then again, that’s how I feel regardless. I feel that with professors sometimes. I push my family away but they come back for some reason. Probably because they know I take a lot of drugs that clear my head and make me function though unable to drive and such shit. Whatever autism is in my case, I like it 16.34% of the time. The rest of the time I can’t do the math for to figure out the remaining percentage.
I think she knows but I can’t just ask, can I? I mean, I can do this regimen and make it work, a daily routine on top of a routine that wasn’t working, like building train tracks over an abandoned highway, and I’ll add cars until they won’t let me. I’ll cause so many traffic jams they won’t know what didn’t almost hit them, which is good because neither can I. I can’t explain it. Anything.
Alice is still trying to catch that duck in the swamp. Cheshire Cat’s watching, laughing a bit, not sure what’s going on in his head either. She falls, face-first, and finds the swamp merely a reverie; she wipes the dirt of old emotion and faded feelings from her blouse stained red from a broken heart yet unhealed…
The duck stops and turns around and it’s not a duck at all, silly Alice, watch out; for your mind plays tricks on you Alice, and a duck well come on now that’s not flattering. Who’s chasing whom here, anyway? Where are you going?
"Messina," says he. "Eventually." Bad memories of the area, though you were never there. That’s in Sicily. What does it mean…"Just for tonight" says he once again; and he is a duck no longer, the swamp is vanished, and instead an amphitheatre projected around them seems to echo with the cheers of a million unrequited ghostly lovers, star-crossed and forsaken to follow those who have a chance… boy and girl resume the chase, more aware now than before of its ultimate futility, wherever they are going, or may end up, there is an ultimate inevitability, the fact there is one simple question…will you wait for me?
Hmm. I’m ready to admit that I can be clingy and over-emotional at times. So I will.
It’s the way I am. I can’t explain it and I never could. I never will. I can regurgitate scientific fact, neurological research, findings of psychological studies, but I can never go beyond “That’s the way I am.”
I never said I like the way I am. In fact, I say all too often that I hate it. If that’s not a vicious cycle I don’t know what is. I drive people away, I make them tire of me, and I compromise my friendships simply because I get too attached to people. It makes them uncomfortable.
It doesn’t help that I only have room in my life for a small circle of close friends. I can never pick the right ones. I fall for the wrong people, be it platonic or much more, and I know it’s not all imagined. But it’s all in my head. It’s never been a two-way street save for two people. I can think of two people. Two people whose feelings of close friendship are wholly and fulfillingly reciprocated.
I can’t pick myself up when I fall. It’s bad in a good way that I’m starting to realize when I get into situations where I know it’s a one-way street. My first ever post here was about that. I see when it works and I’m never involved. Someone needs to help me sometimes. I can never say who that someone is. Is it the one I like or the one I love?
and it’s a strange sensation, still, let me tell you. Ah the limitations of micro-blogging platforms…if I could spill my heart, oh how the words would flow like blood from an old wound never given a chance to heal…the kind that leaves a scar you need to look a little harder to see…
It’s 0222h and I took 10mg of Ambien 90 minutes ago and feel just as awake as earlier today even after a milligram of a drug I swore I’d stop but can’t because it’s to clear my mind and relieve my anxiety and I mean I guess it works sort of.
I don’t think I can stay in college. The one good friend I made within the first few days started to hate me in as much time, and ignores me at every turn, pretending I don’t exist. I can’t believe that friendship only lasted a little over a month. Usually my friends don’t throw me to the curb for at least a year. This one sucks though, because she’s being incredibly immature about it and acting like she has no idea what being completely alone is doing to me. What did I do? What did I say? Why does she hate me? I have no idea. I just don’t know.
There are a few others I’m close with and I’ll miss them too, except the one who lives down the street and I see all the time anyway. I wish I could pursue my feelings for someone I really really like but that’s going nowhere, she’s distancing herself from me more and more, and that hurts because I know why; it’s me being there that’s the problem, and as a slave to my emotions that cuts me to the core.
Oh and I’m failing out of the college. That’s the real reason.
I’m letting everyone down - my parents, my siblings, my fraternity, my teachers, my professors, my “friends,” my actual friends, and probably myself too. I tried. I really did. It’d be hard for someone to believe me, but I tried.
I can resign myself to a life of perpetual loneliness and depression. I’ve always been that way. Why change now?
PS I swear the next person who asks if I’m suicidal gets a brass knuckle backhand. Chill the fuck out. My life sucks, yes, but I’m at least in a better place than rotting in the fucking ground. There is no heaven or hell. There is no God. When we die, we die. That’s fucking it. It’s the same idea - I’d be letting people down. And funerals are expensive, and I can barely afford college (it sucks to be white). geez people I’m not a threat to myself. Stop asking. The people who make a big deal of being suicidal should probably just kill themselves if all they can do is harp on and on instead of getting the proper help. I’m not one of those people. Ok? Ok.
Wow, was that an attack? If so I expected as much. Look I won't stop posting as anon because I don't want the world to know who I am and I won't talk privately because you're right, face-to-face conversations are better. I can come find you but can't guarantee when. Just know that if you do withdraw from the college, it'll never be the same without you. We'll be very sad. :(
I’m not the keystone, I’m not the missing link, I’m not the messiah. Ok? Your saviour is dead and I have killed him. If you want to talk to me that’s fine, but it’d really really help to know who the fuck you are. If you’re the same troll from last time you know what will happen. Or you could pleasantly surprise me. Either way, clock is ticking, I’m outta here in…not long at all. Think I’m overjoyed?
No! You're not leaving Dickinson! Please don't. You're like the only sane person here who understands how normal people think and if you leave the crazies will win. Please stay. There's so much for you here.
Well anon that was fast. Seriously, if you want to convince me people care, post as yourself or get them to tell me that in real life, not the fucking internet. But at the end of the day, it’s as you say - people don’t care about “me,” they care about they idea of “me.” They want me to stay at the college because I’m in their classes or in their clubs. There’s one, maybe two people who I can really call friends here, though one’s a bit complicated. The other I’ve known years anyway. Anyway, at the end of the day, withdrawing from the college is not really my choice. It’s out of my control. And no it’s not financial or disciplinary. College is just not good for me. It’s not right. As I said, I tried.
If you want an actual answer take off the fucking anon mask and talk to me in person. All I want is someone to spend meaningful time with. I haven’t had that in years. Most of the people here may as well be “anonym” since that’s how people are. I need real people. I think I’ve found one special and there’s another I accept as a constant in my life. That’s it.
a song I’m writing on a whim is turning into a poem, and the imagery is very bed-like.
Seriously, fabric of space, blanket of time, little dots and stitches, trying to reassure the stars they aren’t mistakes…beauty is found in disarray and disorder. The way it is and always has been.
Do I need someone to cuddle with under the blanket of space? Possibly. I’d love a telescope and a working battery for my DSLR and a super-zoom lens and a tracking mount, but at least having someone there to share it with me seems would be a fantastic start.
I know there’s someone who’d want to stand outside my house in our pajamas and just gaze up at our willing photographic subjects, or lie on the lawn and share a few beers and have deep philosophical conversations about the meaning of life and love and why people do the things they do while the stars have been doing their thing for billions of years without making problems for each other.
I had a dream last night where it had been raining for days and the wind was buffeting buildings, trees were swaying, and everyone I was with was hiding on a mountain. I (of course) had my camera and was near a window for some reason; we were in the upper atmosphere and it was very early morning; the sun finally came out but it looked distant; the sky wasn’t lit up, so it was like we were in space, and for some reason my camera captured all the stars and the sun over the landscape, and we must have been at a very high altitude because once the rain stopped people were celebrating by setting off fireworks and I was photographing all of it. All my friends were there suddenly and I’m not sure what they were doing, but someone I like a lot came over and we were still on the mountain and I’m pretty sure she kissed me, and the fireworks were still going on but they sky was blue and I couldn’t see the stars anymore, but it was still pretty and somehow completely dry.
Then I woke up and it wasn’t raining anymore and the person isn’t here. So I drank some soda and fragged some noobs.